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Q. I’ve been married to my husband for three years, but we’ve been together five years total. However, I’ve been feeling that there’s something missing in our relationship. This isn’t a particularly new feeling, since I had been in relationships before, but they always ended because they felt so empty.
He was, however, my first truly serious relationship. At that point I always just assumed that love was really overhyped and in reality was very unmoving. The thing is, over the last year, I realized that I don’t love my husband the way I should. I love one of my female colleagues. We had gotten close after she divorced her husband a couple of years ago, but until the last year it was always platonic. I know she loves me too because of how she behaves and the way she talks about us having a future together. When we’re together it’s as though time stops and it feels like the world was made for the two of us. The thing is, I don’t know what to tell my husband. The pandemic has been really hard on him and I don’t want to hurt him any more than I may have already.
I don’t want him to feel like this has been his fault in any way. It would crush me to know that he was blaming himself when all along I should’ve realized that I could’ve never truly loved him the way he deserves — or any man for that matter. There are days where I want to just be with him and only him so that I could save him any suffering, but that doesn’t feel like love and marriage to me. Should I just wait until COVID is all over to tell him what’s been happening and how I feel? Or should I tell him now so that he can just move on with his life?
MOVING ON
A. “There are days where I want to just be with him and only him so that I could save him any suffering.”
I don’t think that’s possible, do you? By prolonging this relationship you could be standing in the way of him finding more joy.
Also, COVID is an ever-changing misery that does not have an end date at the moment. I don’t think we can wait to have emotions, share truths, and make life changes until we’re all high-fiving mask-free. We can’t postpone honesty.
Please know that he might not blame himself at all for your choice. He might very much blame you. You’ve already figured this out, processed it, and found love with someone else. “As it turns out, I could have never loved you,” probably won’t make this much better. Give him room for confusion, disappointment, shock, and resentment. Don’t expect immediate acceptance and happiness for you. You’re leaving him.
Start this conversation. Ask if he wants you to give him literal space (is there somewhere else you can stay?). If the two of you share a community — I hope you do — talk to him about how others can be there for support.
Please remember what I tell many letter writers, which is that a new person (in your case, your colleague) isn’t the answer to the problem. She might even be temporary; it’s too early to plan a future.
MEREDITH
READERS RESPOND:
The longer you wait to tell him, the worse it will be. You’re already cheating.
NANOSECO
COVID isn’t going away anytime soon. If you can say with absolute certainty that you don’t want to be married to him, don’t want to bother with counseling, etc., rip the Band-Aid off now.
DANGLEPARTICIPLE
I’m straight, but if the boot were on the other foot, my first port of call would be a LGBTQ organization about what to expect when you come out to your straight soon to be ex. He may well feel that these last five years have all been a lie. I’ve heard of some couples who go on to be great friends once the dust settles, but they have lots of difficult conversations to get to that point; they don’t run away from them.
AULDYIN
^^THIS^^ There is a bunch YOU have to process, and you will need all of the information and support you can get.
MHOUSTON1
Send your own relationship and dating questions to loveletters@globe.com. Catch new episodes of Meredith Goldstein’s “Love Letters” podcast at loveletters.show or wherever you listen to podcasts. Column and comments are edited and reprinted from boston.com/loveletters.
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August 30, 2021 at 01:00AM
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Should I leave my husband now or wait for COVID to be over? - The Boston Globe
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