UNIDENTIFIED PERSON: The following program was taped in front of an audience of real, live people.
(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC)
PETER SAGAL, HOST:
From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME, the NPR news quiz. Roll up that sleeve. You're about to get your Bill-ster (ph) shots.
(LAUGHTER)
BILL KURTIS: I'm Bill Kurtis. And now at the Harris Theater in Chicago, Ill., a man who not only paid full price for his ticket for today's show but sprung for the get-to-host-it-too package...
(LAUGHTER)
KURTIS: ...It's Peter Sagal.
SAGAL: Thank you, Bill.
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: Thank you, everybody.
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: It is great to be here at the Harris Theater for Music and Dance, now known as the Harris Theater for Music and Dance, Usually.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Later on, we're going to be talking to Sultan and Bashir Salahuddin, creators and stars of the TV show "South Side," which differs from every other TV show set in Chicago in that it is actually about Chicagoans rather than attractive Los Angeles actors wearing brand-new Cubs hats.
(LAUGTER)
SAGAL: So we want to hear all about the characters in your hometown, so give us a call. The number is 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Let's welcome our first listener contestant.
Hi, you're on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.
MEGAN STONE: Hi, this is Megan Stone (ph) calling from Columbus, Ohio.
SAGAL: Columbus - and what do you do there in that august state capital?
(LAUGHTER)
STONE: I am a stay-at-home mom to, like, the best 7-month-old.
SAGAL: The best - all right, I'm glad you qualified that.
STONE: Yeah, I know. It's downhill from here.
SAGAL: Is this your first?
STONE: Yes.
SAGAL: Oh, and how are you finding motherhood so far?
STONE: So tiring, but it's great. It's the best.
SAGAL: It really is. It really is. And is there any chance that this baby of yours will be interrupting us during this call?
(LAUGHTER)
STONE: You know, I'm hoping he's good. He's been sleeping through the night, so, you know, knock on wood.
SAGAL: I'm sorry. Did you say he's sleeping through the night at seven months?
STONE: Yes. Oh, my gosh. It's great.
SAGAL: All right.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: You win.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Welcome to the show, Megan. Let me introduce you to our panel this week. First, it's the host of "Legends Of The Hidden Temple" Sunday nights on The CW. It's Cristela Alonzo.
(APPLAUSE)
CRISTELA ALONZO: Yay. Hey, Ohio.
SAGAL: Next, the host of the daily podcast "TBTL" and also the public radio show "Live Wire," which will be live at Revolution Hall in Portland on December 16. It's Luke Burbank.
LUKE BURBANK: Hey, Megan.
(APPLAUSE, BOOING)
BURBANK: They're booing for how much you brag about your baby.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: And she's a writer with The Guardian US and her new book, "Tell Everyone On This Train I Love Them," comes out in February. It's Maeve Higgins.
MAEVE HIGGINS: Hi.
(APPLAUSE)
STONE: Hi.
SAGAL: Megan, welcome to the show. You're going to play Who's Bill This Time? Bill Kurtis is going to read you three quotations from this week's news. If you can correctly identify or explain two of them, you'll win our prize - any voice from our show you might choose and your voicemail. Are you ready to go?
STONE: Yep, I'm ready.
SAGAL: Let's do it. Your first quote is from a sports fan who was commenting in The New York Times.
KURTIS: I was so looking forward to seeing some diplomats.
SAGAL: That was a reaction to the announcement about U.S. diplomats boycotting the upcoming what?
STONE: Oh, the Olympics.
SAGAL: The Olympics, yes.
ALONZO: Yay.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: The U.S. has announced a diplomatic boycott of the Winter Games in Beijing. The athletes can still attend, but the delegation of diplomats and government VIPs will be staying home. This is so sad for everybody who had trained their whole life to make the tariff negotiating team.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: You know, Joe Biden did this against his will. He was so looking forward to competing in skeleton.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Now, as I said, the U.S. athletes, all the teams, they get to go and compete, but can you imagine how devastated they are at this news? They thought that they were going to go to China and meet Tom Vilsack.
(LAUGHTER)
BURBANK: So that is our big way of showing the Chinese that we take their sort of human rights record very seriously...
SAGAL: Yes, exactly.
BURBANK: ...Is not sending some people that they would have had no idea are actually there.
SAGAL: Right. Pretty much.
ALONZO: Sometimes I go to, like, stores like Walmart and buy everything, and I'm like, take that China.
HIGGINS: That's really how it goes.
ALONZO: I'm buying stuff because it was made in your country. And I'm supporting it, but I'm not sending my uncle to the Olympics.
HIGGINS: I feel like those, you know, soft-bodied diplomats - I'm assuming - and they should just go to Ireland for the Irish Winter Olympics, which is, you know, walking to school through the mud. You know, like, it's easier. It's like making a fire out of bits of yesterday's fire. You know, like, that's what they could do.
SAGAL: Right.
ALONZO: I just learned in this Olympics that diplomats go.
(LAUGHTER)
BURBANK: Yeah.
SAGAL: Yeah.
ALONZO: Like, I didn't even know. I had no idea. But, like, we're going to take it away. I'm like, oh, we had it?
BURBANK: It is complicated because if you don't send the athletes, then the athletes are the ones that suffer. And they've been, like, working really hard, you know? Like, we boycotted Russia, right?
SAGAL: We did. We didn't send anybody to Russia. That was 1980.
BURBANK: Yeah. That was my year, too.
SAGAL: You were going to...
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: You'd be festooned with gold if it weren't for that peanut farmer.
BURBANK: Pairs figure skating - I was going to do both parts.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: It would have been very - it would have been a really upset win because that was a Summer Olympics that we boycotted.
(LAUGHTER)
BURBANK: Yeah, that's what made it such a special skill set.
SAGAL: Yeah.
BURBANK: And that I was 4.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Megan, all right. Megan, here is your next quote.
KURTIS: I have been repeatedly assured that there was no party and no rules were broken.
SAGAL: That was U.K. Prime Minister Boris Johnson reassuring the British public about something that there definitely was one of and that definitely broke the rules. What was it?
STONE: I have no idea.
SAGAL: Well, we're guessing Johnson insisted on standing under the mistletoe all night.
STONE: Oh, a party.
SAGAL: A party. Yes.
ALONZO: Yes.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
ALONZO: Boom.
SAGAL: So this is actually the biggest political scandal in the U.K. in decades. Last December, a year ago when the rest of the country was on lockdown and forbidden from gathering together, the staff at 10 Downing Street were having not one, but two raucous secret illegal Christmas parties. Suspicions of this party happening arose when someone leaked a photo of Boris Johnson with his hair combed.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Oh, they denied it, even as their hands were covered in the grease of a Christmas goose.
ALONZO: I feel like Boris always looks like he just got off, like, a three-day bender, anyway.
HIGGINS: Yes. yeah.
ALONZO: Like, you show up and you're like...
BURBANK: Underneath the helicopter.
ALONZO: ...Did the party end or did it just start?
HIGGINS: Underneath the helicopter.
BURBANK: Yeah, he looks like he was at the three-day party under a helicopter.
(LAUGHTER)
BURBANK: Why are we having the party here?
HIGGINS: Plus, that man always has COVID. Like, he permanently has COVID. It's like he is COVID.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: This is crazy. This is actually a huge scandal. This is the biggest scandal Boris Johnson has ever had. And we are talking about a man who literally is not certain how many children he has.
(LAUGHTER)
HIGGINS: OK.
SAGAL: Right.
HIGGINS: Right. Yeah.
SAGAL: Then they thought - this is great. They said, well, it was just a spontaneous thing. One of our staff members was leaving, and, of course, we had to give him a toast. It was nothing planned. It's been revealed that at this spontaneous party, they had Secret Santa gifts.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: It's the most premeditated Christmas thing, right?
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: And the worst thing was that Boris Johnson, for his Secret Santa gift, got a smoking gun.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: All right, Megan, here is your last quote. It is from a terrifying report this week in The New York Times.
KURTIS: Zabar's is running low. Pick-a-Bagel has only a few days’ supply left.
SAGAL: That was The Times reporting on a crisis - the citywide shortage of what?
STONE: Groceries.
SAGAL: No, specifically a shortage of something that you get when you get your bagel from places like Zabar's or Pick-a-Bagel.
STONE: Cream cheese.
SAGAL: Cream cheese - a cream cheese shortage.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: That's right. So the bad news is New York is facing a cream cheese shortage. The good news, bagels are healthy now. Have as many as you want. It's just fat, chewy toast.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Oh, no. I guess this means we'll all have to eat doughnuts. How sad. Are you freaked out by this?
HIGGINS: The lack of cream cheese?
SAGAL: Yes.
HIGGINS: Yeah, definitely.
SAGAL: You are a New Yorker.
HIGGINS: You know what I tried to do is put - you know ricotta?
SAGAL: Yes, I do.
HIGGINS: And that is basically like a looser cream cheese.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Yeah.
ALONZO: It's been around.
SAGAL: Exactly.
BURBANK: It goes to second base.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Exactly. It doesn't have...
ALONZO: It kisses and tells.
HIGGINS: And believe me, it's available.
SAGAL: It doesn't have the firm moral code of a cream cheese.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Anyway, this crisis over cream cheese really speaks to something deep in our species - the evolutionary need to spackle our food. It goes back into our ancient history as hunter-smearerers (ph).
(LAUGHTER)
HIGGINS: But you know what is a crime in New York?
SAGAL: What?
HIGGINS: If you ask them to take out the bread in the bagel, like in the middle of the bagel. They get so angry at you.
SAGAL: Do you?
HIGGINS: No, I saw a girl doing it in front of me once before. She was like, can you scoop it? And the man was like, what do you mean?
(LAUGHTER)
HIGGINS: And she was like, scoop it. Scoop the bagel. Take out the inside and so you have, like, just a shining shell of bread.
SAGAL: Yes.
HIGGINS: And he said, I don't do that.
SAGAL: (Laughter).
HIGGINS: And she said, well, can you? And he said, I can't do that.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: This is fascinating that someone would ask to do that...
STONE: Yeah.
SAGAL: ...And also that Linda Blair from "The Exorcist"...
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: I'm glad she found a line of work for herself.
BURBANK: Yeah, a tough few years.
SAGAL: Bill, how did Megan do on our quiz?
KURTIS: Peter, she and her baby got them all right.
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: Congratulations.
STONE: Thank you.
SAGAL: Thank you so much for playing, and have fun with that baby.
STONE: Thank you. Bye.
SAGAL: Bye-bye.
(SOUNDBITE OF SONG, "CREAM")
PRINCE: (Singing) Cream, get on top. Cream, you will cop. Cream, don't you stop...
SAGAL: Right now, panel, it is time for you to answer some questions about this week's news. Luke, late one night this week, the staff of Finland's prime minister learned that she had had contact with someone who had tested positive for COVID. But they couldn't reach the prime minister to tell her to quarantine. Why not?
BURBANK: Because she was in da (ph) club.
SAGAL: That's right. She was down in da (ph) club.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
BURBANK: Yeah. She was at the afters.
SAGAL: Yeah.
BURBANK: She was...
SAGAL: She was.
BURBANK: ...Out until 4 in the morning partying.
SAGAL: She was. This is all true. She was clubbing till 4 a.m., and she left her work phone at home, so she missed the messages.
ALONZO: Were you with her? You knew everything.
BURBANK: Yes, I was.
(LAUGHTER)
BURBANK: I mean, she is the youngest - was she the youngest world leader elected at the time?
SAGAL: She is - in fact, she is 36 years old. She is the youngest world leader currently in office.
BURBANK: Like, for instance, this is not going to happen with Joe Biden.
SAGAL: No.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: No, but...
BURBANK: Presumably.
SAGAL: I mean, come on. Joe Biden would never have done that. He would not have gone out clubbing when he was 36 years old. Music hadn't been invented yet.
(LAUGHTER)
HIGGINS: Wasn't - wouldn't there be, like, a gramophone?
(LAUGHTER)
HIGGINS: Like...
SAGAL: I'm just trying - I just - I'm sorry. I'm imagining a DJ...
ALONZO: I was just thinking (laughter)...
SAGAL: ...Up on the stage. He's got the headphone - you know, one cup on - he's holding it. And the other one, he is cranking the Victrola.
BURBANK: Everyone's waiting for the beat to drop on the "Flat Foot Floogie."
(SOUNDBITE OF SONG, "HARLEM SHAKE")
BAAUER: Do the Harlem Shake.
SAGAL: Coming up, what's 2 plus 2? For the shocking answer, stay tuned in our Bluff the Listener game. Call 1-888-WAIT-WAIT to play. We'll be back in a minute with more of WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME from NPR.
(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC)
KURTIS: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME, the NPR news quiz. I'm Bill Kurtis. We're playing this week with Maeve Higgins, Luke Burbank and Cristela Alonzo. And here again is your host, at the Harris Theater in Chicago but somehow still stuck on mute.
(LAUGHTER)
KURTIS: Peter, you're muted. You're muted, Peter.
(LAUGHTER)
KURTIS: It's Peter Sagal.
SAGAL: Thank you, Bill.
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: Right now it's time for the WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME Bluff the Listener game. Call 1-888-WAIT-WAIT to play our game on the air.
Hi, you are on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.
SPENCER: Hi, Peter. This is Spencer (ph). And I am calling from the city of St. Louis, Mo.
SAGAL: How are things in St. Louis? - a wonderful place.
SPENCER: Oh, yeah. You know, the other day it was 25 degrees, and tomorrow it's going to be 70. You know the Midwest trauma.
SAGAL: It's like living in many places in one place. It's fabulous.
SPENCER: Yeah.
SAGAL: What do you do there in St. Louis?
SPENCER: Yeah. So I'm an academic adviser for the business school at Washington University.
SAGAL: Are the business students all rapacious monsters-to-be, or are they nice?
(LAUGHTER)
SPENCER: Oh, I want to keep my job, Peter. I...
SAGAL: All right. Very good.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Spencer, welcome to the show. You're going to play our game in which you must try to tell truth from fiction. Bill, what is Spencer's topic?
KURTIS: Add It Up.
SAGAL: Math is important for many reasons, and not just for blowing the cover of British spies. He said maths. Get him.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Our panelists are going to tell you a story from the news about the importance of knowing your arithmetic. Pick the one telling the truth, and you'll win our prize, the WAIT WAITer of your choice on your voicemail. Are you ready to play?
SPENCER: I am so ready. Let's do it.
SAGAL: Let's do it. First, let's hear from Maeve Higgins.
HIGGINS: The market is abuzz with a new app called Kid Counts, a math app for adults who need help keeping count of their kids and the numbers associated with them. Parents who can't do math struggle with many aspects of parenting. Try picking up your kids from school without quite knowing how many there are supposed to be. Kid Count helps keep track of how many kids you have and also tracks the passing of time. Too many 15-year-old kids are being jammed into strollers and fed mashed sweet potatoes because their parents never quite grasped how many units of time they owned them for.
(LAUGHTER)
HIGGINS: At the launch of Kid Count, an exhausted woman named Doreen Richardson (ph) told reporters, this app helped me to understand that I have five children. It was a shock for sure, but it explains a lot. Plus, they're all different - oh, what's that called? - yeah, different ages. So that's interesting. All right. I got to lie down.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Kid Count, a new phone app to help parents keep track of their kids - how many they have, that is. Your next story of pluses and minuses comes from Luke Burbank.
BURBANK: America - land of the free, home of the not particularly great at math, which I know sounds a little harsh, but there is evidence to back that up, specifically the story of A&W versus the McDonald's Quarter Pounder. Here's what happened. Back in the 1980s, the Quarter Pounder was a huge success, so A&W decided they'd try to get in on the action. But by actually doing one better, they were going to introduce the A&W third of a pounder. In a random taste test, participants even said they liked the A&W burger better, so it should have been a runaway hit - right? - same price, larger burger. Well, not exactly because, you see, those same taste testers also reported they'd be less likely to buy the one-third pounder than the Quarter Pounder because they thought it was smaller. Flash forward to 2021, and A&W's recent announcement that they are trying again to take on the Quarter Pounder with their new offering, the A&W three-ninths burger.
(LAUGHTER)
BURBANK: That is right - three-ninths of a pound, which is way bigger than a quarter of a pound. The burger is a limited-time offer, but A&W says if they run out of the three-ninths burger, customers can special request a two-sixths of a pound burger.
(LAUGHTER)
BURBANK: Only in public radio is that a laugh line.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: All right. A&W, having failed with their one-third pound burger because three is less than four, has gone for the three-ninths burger hoping that will work. Your last story of math in the news comes from Cristela Alonzo.
ALONZO: One of the most popular TV game shows in Japan is "Truth Or Dare," in which contestants, just like at your slumber party, get to reveal an embarrassing truth or accept a dare to win a huge prize. Kubota Kenta (ph) thought he had it made. All he had to do to win $10 million was eat mochi, that small sweet rice snack, for 24 hours straight. First hour, one mochi. Second hour, two mochi. Third hour, four - oh, you get it, right? Like, so on, doubling the number every hour. The first few hours were not a problem. He even had a couple extra in hour four because he said he was hungry and eight mochi wasn't enough. By hour 15, as he stared at the 16,384 mochi piled on a table in front of him, he began to realize his error. I should have just told them about that time I farted, he was heard to whisper.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: All right.
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: Which of these is a real story of trouble with math in the news? Was it, from Maeve, the introduction of Kid Count; from Luke Burbank, the story of how A&W's third-pounder burger failed but their three-ninths burger might do well; or, from Cristela Alonzo, the story of a contestant on a Japanese game show who just didn't realize how big things get when you double them every hour? Which of these is the real story of math in the news?
SPENCER: Ooh. I think I'm going to have to go with Luke's story because I want it to be true.
SAGAL: You're going to go with Luke's story of how people just didn't want a one-third-pound burger when they could have a quarter-pound burger, and they're trying to fix that. That's your choice? All right. Well, we spoke to somebody who actually knows a little bit about this whole thing.
LIZ BAZNER: So we just rebranded with our three-ninths pound burger because three-ninths is clearly bigger than one-quarter.
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: That was Liz Bazner. She's the senior director of marketing for A&W Restaurants, talking about the three-ninths-pound burger. Congratulations to you, Spencer. You got it right. You've earned a point for Luke. You have won our prize, the voice of your choice on your voicemail. Thank you so much for playing with us today.
SPENCER: Thank you so much. This is a dream come true.
SAGAL: Oh, it was a pleasure to have you. Take care, Spencer.
SPENCER: Thank you. Bye.
(SOUNDBITE OF SONG, "PLEASE DON'T TELL ME TO DO THE MATH(S)")
LOS CAMPESINOS: (Singing) Please don't tell me to do the math. Please don't tell me to do the math.
SAGAL: And now the game where people who do really cool stuff do something lukewarm.
BURBANK: Hey, can we come up with another temperature name?
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Now, Bashir Salahuddin grew up with his family on the South Side of Chicago.
BASHIR SALAHUDDIN: Yeah.
SAGAL: He made it as a TV comedy writer. He wrote for Jimmy Fallon, some others. And when it came time to create his own show, he chose the funniest place he knew - the South Side of Chicago. Bashir and his brother, Sultan, co-star in the show "South Side" on HBO Max. They join us now. Bashir and Sultan, welcome to WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.
(APPLAUSE)
B SALAHUDDIN: Thank you. It's a pleasure to be here.
SAGAL: So...
SULTAN SALAHUDDIN: It's awesome.
SAGAL: ...Let's start by talking about your background. You guys grew up on the South Side, right?
B SALAHUDDIN: Yes. We grew up on the South Side of Chicago in Gresham. And - one person...
UNIDENTIFIED PERSON: Woo.
B SALAHUDDIN: Thank you.
SAGAL: Yeah.
B SALAHUDDIN: One guy feels like, that's right, Gresham.
(LAUGHTER)
B SALAHUDDIN: I came here to make sure you guys were going to rep.
SAGAL: So, Bashir, you (unintelligible) for college, and you got into comedy writing. You wrote for Jimmy Fallon, right? You and your...
B SALAHUDDIN: Wrote for Jimmy Fallon in New York, lived in New York. Me and my writing partner Diallo Riddle...
SAGAL: Yeah.
B SALAHUDDIN: ...Lived in New York. We wrote for Jimmy. We actually got there before the show even started, and everybody's like, oh, we have no idea what's going to happen. And we looked up a couple of years later, and we had some Emmy nominations, and we were writing for President Obama.
SAGAL: Oh, yeah, I heard that.
B SALAHUDDIN: Oh, yeah. It was awesome.
SAGAL: That famous appearance of President Obama on Slow Jam The News.
B SALAHUDDIN: Slow Jam The News. That's right.
SAGAL: You guys wrote that.
B SALAHUDDIN: Yeah, we did. And, in fact, here's something - I wrote the first pass. And I've never told anybody that, but I'm in a bragging kind of mode right now.
SAGAL: Do it.
BURBANK: Do it. Just do it.
(APPLAUSE)
B SALAHUDDIN: That's right. That's right. And, you know, we got to meet the president, and he couldn't have been more nice. And he really wanted to have a good time.
HIGGINS: How much did he put in his own stuff? Like, did he improvise?
B SALAHUDDIN: I mean, he - you know, he's a natural. There are detractors who would say, oh, Obama's a ham.
HIGGINS: Yeah. Like you. Like you just said.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Sultan, so he's out there...
B SALAHUDDIN: Who's coming in hot, y'all?
SAGAL: So I'm going to catch up with Sultan.
S SALAHUDDIN: Yeah.
SAGAL: So Bashir is out there. He's doing comedy writing. What are you doing at this time?
S SALAHUDDIN: I was doing standup comedy in the Midwest for a while. I was cracking jokes and making people laugh and busting heads. And - but I, you know, I went to college, had a couple of kids, did - you know, did the normal domestic stuff. And then I decided to start writing at the urge of my brother. And...
B SALAHUDDIN: Yeah.
S SALAHUDDIN: ...Penned the show "South Side" and sent it to my brother. And he penned it, and we went past it, and next thing you know, we're here.
SAGAL: So wait a minute. So you're the guy, Sultan, who came up with the idea for the show?
S SALAHUDDIN: Boom.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Really?
S SALAHUDDIN: Since we're bragging.
SAGAL: Yeah.
SAGAL: Now, there's a look - for radio audiences...
S SALAHUDDIN: Not the only one that's cool.
SAGAL: There's a look on Bashir's face right now.
B SALAHUDDIN: This just reminds me of back when I was inventing the iPhone.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: The show's about two guys, one of whom you play, Sultan, who work for a rent-to-own company.
S SALAHUDDIN: Yeah.
SAGAL: Spending a lot of time - and they got, like, side hustles upon side hustles. And, Bashir, you play a Chicago cop...
B SALAHUDDIN: I do, yeah.
SAGAL: ...Who's not the best cop. There's a lot of things about the show that I want to talk to you guys about, but one of them is its tone. And I was watching it because all this stuff happens, and it just gets crazier and crazier and crazier as the show goes on until stuff is happening like - what? And I was like, this is like "Seinfeld." And...
B SALAHUDDIN: High praise. Thank you.
S SALAHUDDIN: Well, all right.
SAGAL: And I actually...
B SALAHUDDIN: Thank you.
SAGAL: Because I actually - it's...
B SALAHUDDIN: You heard it here first, folks - the new "Seinfeld."
S SALAHUDDIN: A little "Seinfeld" sauce for you.
SAGAL: In the classic "Seinfeld" episodes, somebody would do something small, and they'd get dumb about it, and it would just increase in dumbness until...
B SALAHUDDIN: The old snowball effect.
SAGAL: Right.
B SALAHUDDIN: Yeah.
SAGAL: And I actually heard that you guys actually had that in mind when you created the show, that you wanted to be, like, a "Seinfeld" for the South Side. Is that right?
B SALAHUDDIN: You know, we definitely wanted something that moved the way "Seinfeld" moved in terms of being funny. I think sometimes when you deal with content, especially Black content, there's always this impetus and this need to put something deep into it, as if there's, like - and I don't mean deep as in our show doesn't have meaning, but our show doesn't need you to have characters prove they're from the South Side because they cry...
SAGAL: Right.
B SALAHUDDIN: ...Because they're running from bullets. You know, we don't have very special episodes where I grab - you know, hey, brother. What's going on? And also, I, as an actor, am not qualified to do that level of work.
S SALAHUDDIN: He cares. He really cares.
B SALAHUDDIN: Yeah, exactly. So we said, no, we want something - we want people all over the world and especially on the South Side to come home and feel lifted up and, you know, to let that ebullient spirit of the show really pervade every morsel and ounce of who they are as a person and then tell other people about it so they watch it, much like we're doing right now.
SAGAL: Right. I understand.
S SALAHUDDIN: Ebullient.
SAGAL: Ebullient.
B SALAHUDDIN: And I think that's...
S SALAHUDDIN: That's the word.
B SALAHUDDIN: By the way, he bet me $5 I wouldn't use that word.
(LAUGHTER)
HIGGINS: Are people finding it more now in this, like, halfway through the second season?
B SALAHUDDIN: Yeah. They're finding it more now because they can binge it. What I love is that our show is so joke-dense that folks kind of have to watch it, like, two or three times to get everything. And then we always try to play jokes in the background.
HIGGINS: Like there's this one scene where the - sorry.
(LAUGHTER)
S SALAHUDDIN: See? That's the effect "South Side" has on you.
SAGAL: I mean...
HIGGINS: No, but there...
S SALAHUDDIN: I love it. Let me go. Let's talk about it.
B SALAHUDDIN: Yeah.
S SALAHUDDIN: Come on. I love it. She can't even get it out.
HIGGINS: It's in the police office, and they're, like, saying, here's what we need to do today. It's, like, Gang Day or whatever.
B SALAHUDDIN: Yeah, yeah (laughter).
S SALAHUDDIN: Gang Week.
HIGGINS: Gang Week, yeah. And they're like, oh, no, we're scared of gangs or whatever. And then...
(LAUGHTER)
HIGGINS: But on the whiteboard, in the background, there's a list of, like, the other stuff that they're listing, and it's - one item on the list is firemen that we hate.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Chicago.
S SALAHUDDIN: She gets an A-plus.
B SALAHUDDIN: She gets an A-plus, yeah.
S SALAHUDDIN: All you can handle.
SAGAL: Well, Bashir and Sultan, it is a real joy to meet you in person.
B SALAHUDDIN: Thanks for having us. This is great.
S SALAHUDDIN: Thank you.
SAGAL: But we have invited you here today...
B SALAHUDDIN: Thanks for coming out, guys, really.
(APPLAUSE)
S SALAHUDDIN: It's great. Love it.
SAGAL: We have invited you here to play a game we're calling...
KURTIS: Welcome to the real south side.
S SALAHUDDIN: Yeah.
SAGAL: So if you start, say, at the corner of 75th and Ashland...
B SALAHUDDIN: Yep.
SAGAL: And you head south and you keep heading south, you will eventually reach the southest (ph) of sides - that is Antarctica.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: So we're going to ask you three questions about Antarctica. Get two right, you'll win a prize for one of our listeners...
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: ...Voice of their choice on their voicemail.
B SALAHUDDIN: He's ready.
SAGAL: Bill, who are Bashir and Sultan playing for?
S SALAHUDDIN: Man, let's do this.
KURTIS: Jen Freitag (ph) of Chicago, Ill.
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: All right.
B SALAHUDDIN: All right.
S SALAHUDDIN: Hey, Jen.
B SALAHUDDIN: Hi, Jen.
SAGAL: Here is your first question. The first person to reach the South Pole was the Norwegian explorer Roald Amundsen in 1911. And the tent he set up when he got there has been designated as an official world historic site, even though what? A - nobody has any idea where it is; B - it melted and dissolved into the ocean seven years ago; or C - it is the place where Amundsen's group ate their weakest member.
(LAUGHTER)
S SALAHUDDIN: Do you think he ate somebody?
B SALAHUDDIN: I think it's A.
S SALAHUDDIN: I'm going to support you, and we're going to vote for...
ALONZO: Aw, support.
S SALAHUDDIN: Do we get to - like, do I get to pick three smart-looking people and ask them?
(LAUGHTER)
B SALAHUDDIN: Can we phone a friend?
S SALAHUDDIN: We can't just ask?
SAGAL: At this point, you just have to ask three smart-looking pairs of eyes, but...
(LAUGHTER)
S SALAHUDDIN: All right.
HIGGINS: Glasses.
S SALAHUDDIN: These guys are no help.
SAGAL: All right. You're going to go with A?
S SALAHUDDIN: We're going to go with A.
SAGAL: You're right. That's what it was.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: Nobody has any idea where it is.
(APPLAUSE)
S SALAHUDDIN: Just so you know, I read about this before we came.
SAGAL: They think...
B SALAHUDDIN: Oh, you did your research?
S SALAHUDDIN: Yep.
SAGAL: They think it's, like, 50 feet beneath the current surface of the ice, maybe over there that way. They don't really know. All right.
B SALAHUDDIN: There it is.
SAGAL: Next question - by the time Richard Byrd led his 1928 expedition to the South Pole, Antarctica...
B SALAHUDDIN: The famous '28 expedition, sure.
SAGAL: Yeah, that one - you know that, right?
S SALAHUDDIN: Yep.
B SALAHUDDIN: Who doesn't?
S SALAHUDDIN: We're aware of that. I got a Richard Byrd shirt at home.
SAGAL: Yeah.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: When he led his expedition there in 1928, Antarctica had developed such a reputation for driving men insane in the wild, cold wastes that he brought along what on the trip? A - 12 straitjackets; B - a couch so he could give his men therapy if needed; or C - three seasonal affective disorder lamps.
(LAUGHTER)
B SALAHUDDIN: What do you think? You said you're going to go with - should we go with A?
S SALAHUDDIN: I got to go with straitjackets - A.
B SALAHUDDIN: I'll support you. Let's go with...
SAGAL: You're right. It was straitjackets.
(APPLAUSE)
S SALAHUDDIN: Yeah.
SAGAL: I don't know...
S SALAHUDDIN: My mom's going to be so proud.
SAGAL: We'll see if we can make her proud. Last question...
S SALAHUDDIN: We're trying.
SAGAL: So there are, of course, lots of current expeditions to the South Pole.
B SALAHUDDIN: Yes.
SAGAL: But if you wanted to go to the South Pole now on an expedition and you are a doctor...
S SALAHUDDIN: Yes.
SAGAL: ...You have to make some preparations before you go, including what? A - you have to bring along a lot of sugar pills because people get bored and make up reasons to see the doctor just to have something to do; B - have your own appendix removed; or C - stock up on wooden medical instruments because your hand sticks to scalpels in that cold.
B SALAHUDDIN: I know the answer.
S SALAHUDDIN: That's actually hard, y'all. Gosh.
B SALAHUDDIN: What's your gut telling you?
S SALAHUDDIN: I mean...
B SALAHUDDIN: I tell you what - what's your appendix telling you?
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
S SALAHUDDIN: By the way, doctor - like, roadside...
(LAUGHTER)
S SALAHUDDIN: It's like they didn't even go to medical school.
(LAUGHTER)
B SALAHUDDIN: I think it's the - I think it's bravo. I think it's the appendix thing.
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: They like that. So what's it going to be?
B SALAHUDDIN: I just - I support you, man.
S SALAHUDDIN: I'm going to - I'm going with the wood, bro.
SAGAL: All right. All right. Fine. It's fine. You've already won. So anyway...
B SALAHUDDIN: All right, wood or appendix. I'm going to go with appendix.
SAGAL: Bashir's going burst appendix. Sultan is going with the wooden instruments.
B SALAHUDDIN: And if you - and if it's...
SAGAL: And the winner is Bashir. It was, in fact...
B SALAHUDDIN: All right - oh, wait.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: It was appendix. In 1961...
B SALAHUDDIN: (Laughter) Those of you at home, you can't see I'm dancing.
SAGAL: ...A Russian doctor was at the South Pole. His own appendix burst, and he had to remove it himself...
B SALAHUDDIN: Yeah.
HIGGINS: Through his butt.
SAGAL: ...For one of the reasons that you speculated - no one else to do it. So ever since then...
B SALAHUDDIN: Recreated in the scene from the movie (unintelligible)...
SAGAL: ...Get it taken care of before you go.
S SALAHUDDIN: I'm sure he used wooden instruments. I'm just saying.
SAGAL: Bill, how did they do on our quiz?
KURTIS: They've gone where few have gone before and got them all right.
B SALAHUDDIN: What?
SAGAL: Yay. You did.
S SALAHUDDIN: All right.
SAGAL: Did collectively, together.
B SALAHUDDIN: Oh, man.
SAGAL: And, guys, I got to tell you, if you think these guys are funny here, you should see their TV show. Bashir and Sultan Salahuddin star in "South Side." It's on HBO Max. Seasons 1 and Season 2 is out now. Watch it. Bashir and Sultan...
S SALAHUDDIN: Thanks, guys.
SAGAL: ...Thank you so much for joining us on WAIT WAIT ...DON'T TELL ME.
B SALAHUDDIN: It's a pleasure.
SAGAL: Bravo.
S SALAHUDDIN: Really good.
(SOUNDBITE OF SONG, "SOUTHSIDE")
COMMON AND KANYE WEST: (Rapping) Southside, Southside, Southside, Southside, Southside, Southside, Southside, side of the Chi.
KANYE WEST: (Rapping) Your fly is open, McFly. The crowd is open. I think I know why. I'm back from the future, seen it with my own eyes. And, yep, I'm still the future of the Chi. Back in college, I had to get my back up off the futon. I knew that...
SAGAL: In just a minute, if you want to play the Listener Limerick Challenge game, raise all three of your hands or just call 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. To join us on the air. We'll be back in a minute with more of WAIT WAIT ...DON'T TELL ME from NPR.
KURTIS: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT, WAIT... DON'T TELL ME, the NPR news quiz. I'm Bill Kurtis. We're playing this week with Cristela Alonzo, Maeve Higgins and Luke Burbank. And here again is your host, who burst into tears when he was reunited with his podium. It's Peter Sagal.
SAGAL: Thank you, Bill.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: And it's called a lectern.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: In just a minute, Bill gets deep vein thrhymebosis (ph) in our Listener Limerick Challenge game. If you'd like to play, give us a call at 1-888-WAITWAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924.
Right now, panel, some more questions for you from the week's news. Cristela, Jenna Ryan is the Texas real estate agent who flew in a private jet to attack the Capitol on January 6 and then bragged after she was caught that she would never go to jail. Well, she is about to go to jail. And in a last message to her fans on TikTok, she says that, in jail, she hopes to do what?
ALONZO: She's going to lose 30 pounds and do yoga.
SAGAL: That is correct.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
HIGGINS: Oh, my god.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: You even got the number - her goal - her target weight correct, so I can tell you're team Jenna. Am I right?
ALONZO: No, but January 6 is my birthday.
SAGAL: Oh.
BURBANK: Great.
SAGAL: Geez.
HIGGINS: Wait. That was your party?
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: So Ms. Ryan became famous when she actually livestreamed herself breaking into the Capitol. And she has managed to keep up that brash, can-do attitude as she prepares to do her 90-day stint in jail - or, as she calls it, a freedom cleanse.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: So like I said, Ryan did a TikTok in a sports bra and yoga pants, and she said she hoped prison will be a kind of spa with armed attendants and a really, really strict curfew. She said - and this is all real - "I'm going to be able to work out a lot and do a lot of yoga and detox. Hopefully, they'll have some protein shakes and some protein bars," unquote. She is going to be so disappointed when she finds out the only group fitness class they have is knife fights.
(LAUGHTER)
HIGGINS: Well, I can tell you from experience, honey, dieting is another form of prison.
(LAUGHTER)
HIGGINS: And you've got to break out.
BURBANK: That's definitely the kind of the weight loss system - you get a free one if you buy a MyPillow.
SAGAL: Yeah.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: All right. Luke, on Tuesday, the Amazon cloud web servers crashed. And in addition to the many businesses and services that were affected by the outage all over the country, what stopped working?
BURBANK: Amazon?
SAGAL: Well, Amazon had its own problems, yes, but we're talking about some other very specific thing or things that stopped working for people.
BURBANK: Oh, Roombas?
SAGAL: Yes, the Roombas...
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: ...Stopped communicating.
BURBANK: Oh, this explains so much about Randy, my Roomba...
(LAUGHTER)
BURBANK: ...Who has been acting weird. And I thought it was because I moved apartments, and it's hard for kids to adjust to new...
SAGAL: Sure.
(LAUGHTER)
BURBANK: ...Environments, but it was AWS being down.
SAGAL: It was, and this is what happened. It turns out that just about everything uses Amazon cloud services to access the internet, including your little robot vacuum. So people all over the country pulled out their apps - right? - and they summoned their robot vacuum, and nothing happened. It was, like, Roomba, come here and clean up the granola I spilled. I'm afraid I can't do that, Dave.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: You know what else went down? Smart kitty litter boxes. And the cats...
ALONZO: What is that?
SAGAL: ...The cats - well, the smart kitty litter box - a friend of mine has one.
ALONZO: What?
SAGAL: And a smart kitty litter box will tell you through the internet to your phone wherever you are if your cat just pooped.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: That's - because that's - we live in the future, ladies and gentlemen.
HIGGINS: But there's another way of finding out, and that is breathing the air in your home.
SAGAL: Yeah.
(SOUNDBITE OF SONG, "ROBOTS")
FLIGHT OF THE CONCHORDS: (Singing) The distant future. The year 2000. The distant future.
SAGAL: Coming up, it's Lightning Fill in the Blank. But first, it's the game where you have to listen for the rhyme. If you'd like to play on air, call or leave a message at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Or click the Contact Us link on our website waitwait.npr.org. There you can also find tickets for our upcoming shows on January 6 and February 3. Of course, if you can't get tickets for January 6, just storm the doors, break in.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Hi. You're on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.
KATHLEEN CLEARY COOK: Hi, this is Kathleen Cleary Cook (ph) calling from Cheyenne, Wyo.
SAGAL: Hello, Kathleen Cleary Cook. I do like an alliterative person. What do you do there in Cheyenne?
CLEARY COOK: Thank you. Well, we recently moved here, so I'm not currently working. I recently left a local public health agency in my former state.
SAGAL: Right. And have you picked up any Wyoming habits like, you know, hunting, shooting, rasslin', wrestling, rodeoing, whatever they do there?
CLEARY COOK: Mostly, we're trying to cope with the wind, which, by the way, is worse than Chicago's.
SAGAL: Wow. Yeah, that's why it's so flat. All the hills got blown down.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Well, welcome to the show, Kathleen. Bill Kurtis is going to read you three news-related limericks with the last word or phrase missing from each. If you can fill in that last word or phrase correctly in two of the limericks, you'll be a winner. Are you ready to play?
CLEARY COOK: Absolutely.
SAGAL: All right. Here is your first limerick.
KURTIS: West Point's heist is a sad anecdote with one horn and an old, mangy coat. This sad mascot won't do. Go back and steal two because it turns out we stole the wrong...
CLEARY COOK: Goat.
SAGAL: Goat.
KURTIS: Yes.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: Yes, very good.
BURBANK: Wow.
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: Before the Army-Navy game a week or so ago, Army cadets at West Point tried to continue the ancient tradition of stealing the Navy's goat mascot, but they swiped the wrong goat. They took a retired goat mascot who has arthritis and only one horn and is frankly getting too old for this crap. So they went back, and they took the two goats currently serving as the Navy mascot, which shouldn't be surprising. If there's one thing the military knows how to do, if it doesn't work the first time, do it again and harder.
ALONZO: (Laughter).
BURBANK: What is with the goat mascots? Isn't that the whole story with the Cubs?
SAGAL: Yeah.
HIGGINS: Because it means greatest of all time.
BURBANK: Oh, that's why.
HIGGINS: I think so.
BURBANK: Yeah.
SAGAL: Right.
BURBANK: But I just feel like maybe we shouldn't have goat, like, actual goats as...
SAGAL: Or even if you want to take it this way, why does the Navy have a goat?
HIGGINS: They're kind of shaped like boats.
(LAUGHTER)
HIGGINS: Goats.
ALONZO: A goat boat (laughter).
HIGGINS: They have the same body.
SAGAL: Have you ever seen a goat, Maeve?
HIGGINS: I'm just...
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Here is your next limerick.
KURTIS: To prove we're not running an Insta scam, we'll show that we're giving an Insta-damn. When you seem addicted, your time gets restricted. We warn you to stay off of...
CLEARY COOK: Instagram.
SAGAL: Instagram, yes.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: Instagram is finally adding a function we really need, a timer that kicks you off Instagram. The new Take a Break tool alerts users when they've been on the app too long and urges them to get off the app. It's great. It's supposed to make you feel better, right? And nothing makes you feel fantastic like being told you have been scrolling through a Mormon mommy blogger's reels for six hours.
(LAUGHTER)
BURBANK: I got to know how Caden (ph) is doing.
SAGAL: Exactly.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: The feature activates, actually, after you've been on Instagram for 30 minutes and will be just as effective as that thing that doesn't let you use your phone when you're driving.
(LAUGHTER)
HIGGINS: They should maybe be a bit more graphic about it. You know, how like cigarette boxes show...
SAGAL: Yeah.
HIGGINS: ...Like...
(LAUGHTER)
BURBANK: Right.
HIGGINS: ...Old...
ALONZO: This is what you look like when you watch...
SAGAL: Actually, you know...
BURBANK: And it should just be a picture of you from below.
HIGGINS: Yes, exactly.
(LAUGHTER)
BURBANK: Like, when you're not - you don't realize you're...
HIGGINS: It's, like, slumped there with your mouth hanging open.
BURBANK: Like, when you accidentally turn the camera on on your phone, and then you just look down and go (vocalizing).
(LAUGHTER)
BURBANK: That picture.
HIGGINS: Exactly.
SAGAL: Here is your last limerick, Kathleen.
KURTIS: A vax card works just like a charm. I'll get one today. What's the harm? Well, first, there's a shot. Well, I'd rather not. I think I'll strap on a fake...
CLEARY COOK: Arm.
SAGAL: Yes, a fake arm.
KURTIS: Yes.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: A man in Italy trying to get his vaccine card without having to suffer by actually getting a lifesaving, free vaccine, which will keep him from dying. And he showed up - this is so clever - he showed up to the clinic with a fake arm in the sleeve of his shirt.
HIGGINS: My gosh.
SAGAL: A fake arm which the nurse described as, quote, "cold and gummy."
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: And also, the skin color of the arm did not match the rest of the person.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: The nurse immediately realized what was going on, accused him of this fake. The man swore, no, it's my real arm. And he swore by detaching it and putting it on a Bible.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Bill, how did Kathleen do on our quiz?
KURTIS: She's the queen of Cheyenne right now. All right. Thank you.
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: Thank you so much, Kathleen. Good luck there in your new home.
(APPLAUSE)
CLEARY COOK: Thank you so much.
(SOUNDBITE OF SONG, "(I JUST) DIED IN YOUR ARMS")
CUTTING CREW: (Singing) Oh, I - I just died in your arms tonight. It must have been something you said. I just died in your arms tonight.
SAGAL: Now on to our final game, Lightning Fill in the Blank. Each of our players will have 60 seconds in which to answer as many fill-in-the-blank questions as they can - each correct answer now worth two points. Bill, can you give us the scores?
KURTIS: I can. Maeve has two. Cristela has two. Luke has four.
SAGAL: Wow.
BURBANK: Wow.
BURBANK: Yeah. Basically, I'm three-ninths of the way to winning this game.
SAGAL: Yeah, you are.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: All right. Cristela and Maeve, you are in second place together, and I will arbitrarily choose Cristela to go first. So the clock will start when I begin your first question. Fill in the blank. On Wednesday, the White House announced that 200 million Americans had been blanked.
ALONZO: Vaccinated.
SAGAL: Yes, vaccinated.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: On Tuesday, the House passed a bill aimed at preventing a government blank.
ALONZO: Oh, a shutdown.
SAGAL: Right.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: After he was fired from CNN, HarperCollins announced they would no longer publish blank's book.
ALONZO: Chris Cuomo.
SAGAL: Right.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: According to a report from Us Weekly, Queen Elizabeth has a large and ever-expanding blank.
(LAUGHTER)
ALONZO: Brooch collection.
SAGAL: No, a large and ever-expanding ball of old rubber bands.
On Monday, Devin Nunes announced plans to leave Congress to run blank's social media startup.
ALONZO: Trump.
SAGAL: Right.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: On Thursday, the FDA approved Pfizer blank shots for 16- and 17-year-olds.
ALONZO: What do you mean? Oh, I don't know.
SAGAL: Blank shots.
ALONZO: Oh.
SAGAL: Specifically...
ALONZO: Booster.
SAGAL: Booster shots, yes.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
ALONZO: (Laughter).
SAGAL: This week, passengers on a flight in Nepal were surprised after their plane landed and they were all asked to blank.
ALONZO: Bow down?
SAGAL: No, asked to get out and push the plane to the gate.
ALONZO: Oh.
(LAUGHTER)
BURBANK: Oh, it was a Southwest flight?
SAGAL: Apparently. Oh no, please.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: It was Spirit Air, come on.
BURBANK: Yeah, right.
KURTIS: (Laughter).
SAGAL: No, after the plane got a flat, apparently, passengers were asked to deplane and then help get it to the gate by pushing on its giant tires.
ALONZO: Oh, my gosh.
SAGAL: Everyone knew something had gone terribly wrong when the pilot got on the intercom and said, hello, are there any CrossFit instructors on this flight?
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Bill, how did Cristela do on our quiz?
KURTIS: She got five right for 10 more points. She now has 12, and has slipped into the lead.
SAGAL: All right.
(APPLAUSE)
HIGGINS: Slipped into the lead.
SAGAL: Slipped into the lead. All right, Maeve, you're up next. Fill in the blank. On Tuesday, Olaf Scholz officially replaced blank as Germany's chancellor.
HIGGINS: Oh, Angela Merkel.
SAGAL: Yes, very good.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: To combat the effects of climate change, President Biden signed an executive order calling for the government to be blank by 2050.
HIGGINS: Very different.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Carbon neutral. Following several delays, the House passed a $768 billion blank bill on Tuesday.
HIGGINS: Dollar.
SAGAL: No, defense bill. This week, an anti-cancel culture conference in the U.K. was blanked.
HIGGINS: (Laughter) Was canceled.
SAGAL: Yes.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: On Monday, Medina Spirit, the horse that won this year's blank, died during a routine workout.
HIGGINS: Wait, you're just telling me that?
(LAUGHTER)
HIGGINS: No, like, election?
SAGAL: No.
HIGGINS: What?
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: No, it won this year's Kentucky Derby.
HIGGINS: Oh.
SAGAL: This week, the CEO of a mortgage company is apologizing after he ended a Zoom call with 900 employees by blanking.
HIGGINS: Blanking on their names.
SAGAL: No, he ended the call by firing everyone on the call.
HIGGINS: Oh.
SAGAL: The CEO ended the Zoom meeting by saying, quote, "If you're on this call, your employment here is terminated, effective immediately."
HIGGINS: Terrible.
SAGAL: He fired over 10% of his workforce that way. And if you think that's bad, just wait to hear how he plans to break up with his girlfriend.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Bill, how did Maeve do on our quiz?
KURTIS: Well, she had two right.
HIGGINS: Yes. Are you serious?
(APPLAUSE)
HIGGINS: Because Angela Merkel, remember?
SAGAL: Yep.
KURTIS: Oh, that's right. Four more points - she now has six. But Cristela still has the lead with 12.
ALONZO: Oh, Jesus.
SAGAL: All right. How many then does Luke need to win?
KURTIS: Four to tie; five to win.
SAGAL: All right.
HIGGINS: Impossible.
SAGAL: Luke, this is for the game.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Fill in the blank. On Tuesday, President Biden met with Vladimir Putin to discuss Russia's military buildup on the border of blank.
BURBANK: Ukraine.
SAGAL: Right.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: On Monday, the Department of Justice sued the state of blank over their redistricting maps.
BURBANK: Texas.
SAGAL: Right.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: This week, the Senate approved a resolution against President Biden's blank mandate for large businesses.
BURBANK: Vaccine.
SAGAL: Right.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: On Thursday, workers in Buffalo, N.Y., celebrated becoming the first unionized blank employees.
BURBANK: Starbucks.
SAGAL: Right.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: This week, a man in Oregon was arrested on an outstanding warrant after he blanked.
BURBANK: After he tried to illegally redistrict parts of Oregon.
SAGAL: After he went into the police station to see if he had any outstanding warrants.
On Thursday, NASA announced the discovery of a new blank 10 times larger than Jupiter.
BURBANK: Planet.
SAGAL: Right.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: On Sunday, former Senate majority leader and presidential candidate blank passed away at the age of 98.
BURBANK: Bob Dole.
SAGAL: Right.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: A man in Germany was awarded workers' compensation for an injury suffered while he was blanking.
BURBANK: Checking at the office to see if he had any workers' compensation claims.
SAGAL: No, he was awarded workers' compensation for an injury he suffered while he was walking from his bedroom to his desk. The court determined that since he was working from home, that qualifies as his commute...
ALONZO: Wow.
SAGAL: ...And he was covered.
ALONZO: Wow.
SAGAL: That is fantastic. Even better, this means your children now count as traffic.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Bill, did Luke do well enough to win?
KURTIS: Well, let's put it this way. He had six right for 12 more points, which means with 16, he's the week's winner.
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: Now, panel, what shortage will hit an American city next? Cristela Alonzo?
ALONZO: Los Angeles will have a shortage of Botox.
SAGAL: Luke Burbank.
BURBANK: Seattle will run out of salmon and have to start tossing tech billionaires down Pike Place Market.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: And Maeve Higgins.
HIGGINS: Idaho is going to run out of COVID vaccines. Just kidding. They're not taking them.
KURTIS: Well, if that happens, we'll ask you about it on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.
SAGAL: Thank you, Bill Kurtis.
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: Thanks also to Cristela Alonzo, Luke Burbank, Maeve Higgins. Thanks to the staff and crew here at the Harrison Theater in Chicago, Ill. Thanks to everybody at WBEZ Chicago. Thanks to everybody here. Thanks to our audience. It's great to see you.
(CHEERING)
SAGAL: We missed you so much. Thanks to all of you at home for listening. We miss you, too. I'm Peter Segal. We'll see you next week.
(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC)
SAGAL: This is NPR.
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